Written Sep 10, 2022
In awe with my display of affection, he encouraged my expression. But he kept me in a locked box until the lid POPPED!
I was single and celibate for about 11 years. A side of me was thinking about going on a dating app, after feeling left out in the romance game! Then the other side of me started laughing and said, “Bitch, I refuse to bow down to anyone. Not unless he has made me fall head over heels- will I bow! And I’m not looking for it!”
I resonated with what commenter, Jen Karney Michna, wrote in her reply to the question: “I’ve been single for 11 years. What is wrong with me?”
She said, “Nothing is wrong with you. First, the right person has not come along. Secondly, you have high standards, which leads you back to #1. You are at the point in your life, where you will not allow a significant other, to be any less than what you want, need, or deserve. You deserve the best and don’t accept anything less EVER!”
Do you have a desire for a “deep fulfilling and meaningful connection”?
“Authentic, deep, and meaningful” is what got me. The rest made me nervous! If it weren’t for those feel-good hormones taking over, I would have never fallen for him. That’s the truth!
I was investigating our world while he was examining my mind. It was a love-diving battlefield and I completely unwind! (I must have been crazy.) Perhaps a strategist would not know that the art of “Love Science” is inevitable. It was never a goal!
In 2011, I had a vivid dream. I saw myself running away in fear and then I saw myself running after myself. The bridge collapsed and I tried to save the fearful me, but we both fell into the water. A part of me was lost forever and the other part of me flew up in the air like a phoenix. I haven’t had another dream like that, but it made me wonder that eventually, I will know everything, or that eventually, the truth will prevail.
Rainer Maria Rilke, a Bohemian-Austrian poet, talks about forming “a good relationship” (rather than one that’s toxic and sadly common), and why love is so difficult when he writes, “The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.” (Simcha, 2015).
This quote to me is about allowing one another to grow into one’s full potential without constantly seeking self-gratification: a lower form of pleasure. Immediate versus long-term pleasures: it’s about realizing that the relationship is about supporting each other’s higher calling. It’s not about looking for happiness within the other person, but about finding it within ourselves; finding it within our passions/work/contributions in life, and sharing it with someone else.
You see, I never knew what love meant, and of course- you can’t know love until you love yourself. But I always thought it was just an emotion, and that can be very problematic. There are several types of love according to the Greeks (Singh, 2022): eros (or romantic love), philia (or affectionate love), storge (or family love), agape (or selfless love), ludus (or playful love), pragma (or enduring love), and philautia (or self-love).
As for ludus, I never saw love as a sport, nor the act of making
love. I prefer to see it as the beginning of something more serious. And sex is a physiological function. Within, English psychiatrist, John Bowlby’s attachment theory, studies show that evolution has intertwined our drive for baby-making (note: a drive, not a need) with our psychological needs for esteem and connection. Evolution has us messed up which is why love is the greatest illusion!
Mark Manson (2021) writes, “the rise in oxytocin, serotonin, and the drop in testosterone levels, decreases our prefrontal cortex activity.” That’s our ability to behave rationally. That phenomenon and our aggressive reptilian brain are there for our survival- as a Homo sapient species.
I desire; my mind is wired for a deeper emotional bond. Wired hearts! I’m seeking pragma: an enduring love with a higher purpose!
I was lost while seeing and believing… By the heat of the day, the smell of his sweat makes my blood pump, and I kept fantasizing about us making love. I can hear his sweet whispers in my ear, and when he speaks my heart skips a beat.
Skimming through my messages, condoning my love expressions, and caring about my well-being meant we were already at high risk. My infatuation grew into an addiction! I was emotionally hijacked!
My brain was high on lust, attraction, and attachment, or the sweetness of his love: testosterone, estrogen, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin, and vasopressin. Peacock, pick your poison; people need people! In a sense, we are all peacocks picking our poison with what we sup and/or guzzle for the day! It all works the same way with two options: avoid or confront. Both options require two different strategies: the balance between mindfulness and tolerance.
I guess that made him prince charming!
How we deal with pain, can damage our lives or make us wise. Just take one bite. If we understand the difference between what’s wrong and what’s right, it should be alright.
“Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.”
Jagsi Vasudev (Sadhguru) — an Indian yogi, mystic, and author- said, “Just the physical pleasure is not enough, it wants something more. What is that something more!? Something more than what this little person has become.
The physical body becomes bondage because in this vast existence this little body is a separate entity. If you’re identified only with this little body, then there is a sense of insecurity. There is a sense of feeling lost.
I would say, at least 60% of the sex in the world is happening out of insecurity and nothing else. Not out of love; not out of anything else; not even pleasure! It is insecurity; two bodies coming together feels little secure for at least a few moments. Do you see, most relationships, sex-based relationships are made because otherwise people are lost by themselves. … Once your identification is limited to the physical body, then insecurity is a natural way. Naturally, the need for sex will increase dramatically, when people are insecure.” (Happy Strong Peaceful, 2018).
Sadhguru talks about the spiritual process, and how we unconsciously seek to experience something more in life through our five senses. Are we, as a society, so inferior that we have become highly driven by our sexual impulses without a means to an end and with a lack of understanding?
We know what sex is, what we want to use it for, and the power it has, but what are the ways for us to deal with sexual arousal!? Keep in mind that we want to ask ourselves these questions first: what psychological needs am I seeking by having sex?; am I seeking to build my self-esteem?; am I seeking to feel connected or safe?; or, am I developing autonomy and the right to do as I wish independently with my body? It’s best to bring out those subconscious or unconscious thoughts to the surface, and then deal with them accordingly first! Remember, sex is a means to procreate and nature does not care about what drives us to do it!
As within, so without: we must find peace within ourselves, and understand that life will always be a flux of emotions. We must find happiness within ourselves, be content with ourselves, and give each other space to do it. Who doesn’t want to share that space, but why would you want to share it with just anyone? I don’t. I have hope and it started in the darkness. It’s a stubborn hope! Maybe the dawn will come because I waited, I watched- when I shouldn’t, I continue to work, and I haven’t given up since… But, I have no control of the universe- it is what it is. The only thing I do have control of is my behavior, and I choose to make myself proud, complete (to the extent that I can at least), and satisfied with my actions. So when it is my time to part, without regret I’ll be in what I call heaven. Because mentally I’ll be satisfied knowing that I did my best, and I did everything I could do and know how to do- to make things better.
Happy Strong Peaceful. (2018, August 15). Sadhguru on love and sex | sexuality is a perversion. YouTube. Retrieved September 10, 2022, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgHMjG-D2Nw
Manson, M. (2021, September 21). Sex and our psychological needs. Mark Manson. Retrieved September 10, 2022, from https://markmanson.net/sex-and-our-psychological-needs
Michna, J. K. (2017). I am single for 11 years. what is wrong with me? — quora. Retrieved September 10, 2022, from https://qr.ae/pvObB5
Simcha. (2015, September 24). 100-year-old marriage advice (R.M. Rilke): The relationship blog. the relationship blog | Simcha's postings about love, connection, parenting & personal growth. Retrieved September 10, 2022, from https://www.therelationshipblog.net/2014/02/100-year-old-marriage-advice-r-m-rilke/
Singh, A. (2022, May 18). 8 different types of love according to Greek: Perfect Combination for You. Calm Sage — Your Guide to Mental and Emotional Well-being. Retrieved September 10, 2022, from https://www.calmsage.com/8-types-of-love-learn-their-impact-on-your-relationships/