Written Sep 11, 2022
When we cultivate, nurture and enable, the environment with temperance (or balance and moderation), we flourish!
In the blog post Not Forgetting to Guard the Sense Doors, Marguerite Manteau-Rao (2010) writes about one of the best Dharma books she has read in a long time called, Who Is My Self?: A Guide to Buddhist Meditation. The author of this book, Ayya Khema, states: “Guarding the sense-doors is one of the most important things we can do if we want to lead a peaceful, harmonious life, untroubled by wanting what we do not have, or not wanting what we do have.”
Whether it’s intentional or not, we are influencing one another daily! We are being conditioned every day through music, movies, commercials, advertisements, leaders, news, etc. While we are absorbing an immense amount of information (in this digital age) at an alarming rate, it’s important for us to distinguish our fears; for instance, fears that signify real-life dangers versus fears that inhibit our ability to grow!
As I wrote in Our World is Full of Color (Hernandez, 2022), according to the Association for Psychological Science (2018), from Science Daily, “What we see is not a direct reflection of the world but a mental representation of the world that is infused by our emotional experiences.” We are everything we are exposed to; we are reflections of the universe! We are everything we do and absorb, and our beliefs, ideas, and thoughts are the underlying premises of our actions. Character matters!
We are heavily exposed to sex ads, sexual and seductive images, and people who are sex-crazed which physiologically triggers our sexual arousal or drive and psychologically triggers our unfilled needs for esteem and human connection. This culturally induces a ripple effect of emotionally hijacked human beings, thus impairing our judgment and affecting our decision-making process.
Mark Manson (2021) wrote, “The fact is, as humans, we’ve actually evolved to use sex to meet our psychological needs, not our physical needs.” Moreover, he stated, “There is no evidence that celibacy or asexuality is actually physically or psychologically unhealthy. You don’t die from not having enough sex. In fact, there are many health risks because of sex. One could even argue that there are psychological and health benefits from not having sex.” Lastly, he explained, “The rise in oxytocin, serotonin, drop in testosterone levels, decreased prefrontal cortex activity — these processes are designed to get us drunk on love with each other long enough to at least raise a highly functioning, healthy child or two (or ten).”
Sex is a physiological function, not a need, and sexual desires are reflexes triggered by a stimulus. We are biologically wired to seek and maintain a few close relationships; therefore, unknowingly we use sex to fulfill psychological needs: security, self-esteem, autonomy, and connection. This is nature’s way of getting us to procreate, so that we Homo sapiens may survive. And unfilled psychological needs, such as esteem and connection, can drive us to seek sex as the “quick fix”; like drugs, food, or any other form of short-term pleasure. So how do we deal with sexual arousal? How can we filter out and limit these triggers?
Security can come in different forms. It can come from family and friends but most importantly it’s derived from a sense of trust, whether it’s with the people you surround yourself with and/or from your environment. Self-esteem is something that should be developed over time. I think we have to be ready to face challenges and overcome them, in order to build our self-esteem. Autonomy definitely comes after self-esteem! Once we’ve become confident about the decisions we are making and the direction in which we are heading, we stop looking for reaffirmation from others.
On a subconscious level, or perhaps by those who have hidden agendas- on a conscious level, we have intertwined this physiological function with our psychological needs through social media and in our everyday lives. Sex triggers strong emotions by releasing “pleasure or bonding” hormones and it leaves a permanent imprint/memory of that moment in our minds. Although I personally like to associate sex with “connection” and the development of creating a “deeper bond” to one’s partner, someone else may see it as a useful tool to manipulate, coerce, or exploit others.
“Never trade temporary pleasure for permanent regret.” — Dave Willis
People do need people, and we do not need to have sex to seek and maintain a few close relationships, but we do need to know how to filter out all of the triggers that are being placed in front of us on a daily basis through advertisements, music videos, movies, etc.
Matthew Kelly describes this beautifully in 60 seconds in his video called, The Ultimate Weapon Against HeadTrash. He said, “Think about the shows, news, social media, and all the other content you consume — do you have a healthy content diet?”
Awakening or enlightenment begins with knowledge and understanding which are the key components for positive social change. The director of Top 20 Training (A Social and Emotional Learning Company), Paul Bernabei (2021), reflects on Matthew Kelly’s book, Life is Messy. He shared the following quote about Kelly’s understanding of kintsugi: “We are each other’s wounded healers. We possess the gold dust needed to glue other people back together, making them more beautiful and loveable than ever. Our love, acceptance, generosity, community, and kindness are the gold dust.”
Life Is What We Make It, so Let Us Make It WORTHWHILE
Advanced Solutions International Inc. . (n.d.). Adult Attachment Relationships. Adult Attachment. Retrieved September 11, 2022, from https://www.aamft.org/Consumer_Updates/Adult_Attachment_Relationships.aspx
Association for Psychological Science. (2018, April 11). The emotions we feel may shape what we see. ScienceDaily. Retrieved June 25, 2022, from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/04/180411090441.htm
Bernabei, P. (2021, July 7). Blog. Top 20 Training. Retrieved September 11, 2022, from https://top20training.com/wellness-wednesday-july-7-2021-kintsugi/
Hernandez, M. (2022, July 15). Our world is full of color. Medium. Retrieved September 11, 2022, from https://medium.com/@smilesweetsunflower/our-world-is-full-of-color-4dc8c7dd4c54
Kelly, M. (2021, October 8). The Ultimate Weapon Against HeadTrash — Part 6 — Matthew Kelly — 60-Second Wisdom. YouTube. Retrieved September 11, 2022, from https://youtu.be/S0T5PvVEBmM
Manson, M. (2021, September 21). Sex and our psychological needs. Mark Manson. Retrieved September 10, 2022, from https://markmanson.net/sex-and-our-psychological-needs
Manteau-Rao, M. (2010, June 28). Not forgetting to guard the sense doors. Not Forgetting to Guard the Sense Doors. Retrieved September 11, 2022, from http://minddeep.blogspot.com/2010/06/not-forgetting-to-guard-sense-doors.html